05

I miss being able to write the way I did when I was young. I’m not sure what triggered it, but at some point my inner critic was inflated ten times it’s normal size. Now whenever I try to write anything, I spend way too much time rewriting sentences because they don’t sound good enough. Often times abandoning writing things entirely when I notice I’ve spent a lot of time to write essentially nothing.

Something that I commonly find myself struggling with is the idea of paragraphs. I remember being taught that each paragraph should have three or more sentences and that you should start a new one when there is a new topic. Problem being that I tend to write massively long sentences with conjunctions galore, and sometimes I feel like my paragraphs are too short. Hell, even when I try to keep sentences short, there’s about the same number of sentences.

Sometimes I feel like my writing style has been stuck in a rut. I will look at things I wrote and notice that I use certain phrases or certain constructions frequently. I’m not sure if this is just because my inner critic is too sensitive or not, but I would ideally like to write differently. The only way I know of doing that, unfortunately, is by writing more which I can’t seem to do.

Maybe it’d be a good idea to just let it all go and do a true stream of consciousness post. Forget about any kind of flow or structure and focus solely on the practice of writing things. I’ve tried to do such posts before, but I never managed to completely let go all the way. Let’s try giving it a go, I guess.

I recently beat Chrono Cross. I was afraid it wouldn’t hold up to my memories of it, and in some sense it didn’t. Nostalgia and my younger brain (year 2000) filled in a lot of the experience. Replaying it made it abundantly clear that it was not the same masterpiece.

What’s interesting is that rather than causing disappointment, like one might expect, it actually allowed me to experience the game from a fresh perspective. When I embraced the idea that it wasn’t going to live up to my childhood, I was able to experience it as the person I am now rather than the person I’ve often become wistful for in my old age.

It wasn’t the same masterpiece, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still a masterpiece. I came out of the experience thinking that it was worth replaying and with new appreciation of the overall package. I’d love to say more, but I can’t without going more indepth, which I feel is more suited to a discussion with others who played it more than an overview/review type post.

The one final thing I will say is that I feel like there’s a lot of disinformation about Cross. I’ve seen people say things like “It’s not even really connected to Chrono Trigger” and general sentiments that it wasn’t what they were hoping for in a sequel. While I can’t go into specifics on why they’re mistaken on the connections (without spoilers), I can say that it’s good that it was different. It may not have lived up to it’s fullest potential, but that’s less to do with “It failed to live up to the potential as a Chrono Trigger sequel” and more to do with “There’s a lot of untapped potential in what they did make that if they had an extra year… we could have had a game that could stand completely as it’s own thing”

Moving on to something different

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been taking it easy on my Japanese study. I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not (I did but fuck it we’ll leave this in), but I stopped doing Anki (flashcard program) reviews a couple weeks ago and haven’t been reading any Japanese VNs for over a week. This is partly because I haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to read that badly and partly because I’ve been reassessing my desire to learn.

I love Japanese, and I wish I was fluent enough in it to consume media naturally. I’d also love to be able to talk to Japanese people, if not only for the wild delusion I have of meeting a Japanese girl someday. The problem comes with whether giving it such a high priority will obtain any improvement to my life or if it will always just be something I used to play obscure games with anime pornography.

I don’t plan on being an official translator (maybe do some fan translation if I ever felt compelled) and the idea of a Japanese girlfriend is more fantasy than anything (Though everyone needs their fantasies) Even the Japanese only games are becoming further and further apart the more I grow older. How well could Japanese really suit me?

But then again, if I did end up getting even just a little bit better than I am now, I could see it revitalizing a lot of interest in stuff. This uncertainty could just be all due to depression.. In which case, maybe I should buckle in and focus on the heavy course again to break past it.

There’s no real good answer.

I’m tired of being lonely though, and I’ve been wondering more if there’s something else I should be focusing on to address that issue.

It’s not simply just an insecurity of the past. I’m just tired of everything I do only having a me component to it. If I could have someone to at least share in 70% of that, I feel like my quality of life would improve 10 fold. Hell, even just 10% would increase my quality of life 2-3 fold.

I don’t know what to do for it though. Obviously, I’m not in the kind of place where I can meet the kind of people who can fulfill that role, but the problem has always been about where that place exists. Not to forget that I can’t just go anywhere or do anything and have limits too.

I know what I want is probably a bit too specific. If I could, I would generalize my search a bit more. Pick some more social hobbies and try to be a bit more open to things like weight and looks. However, that’s something I cannot seem to do.

It’s not that I think I have high standards or even narrow ones to begin with. I think a decently youthful/healthy looking woman who is into some Japanese media herself isn’t a lot to ask for. I realize that I’d have much better chances if I could be interested in more types of people, but that doesn’t suddenly make it possible to become interested in more types of people.

Actually, as I’ve grown older, I’ve been feeling a lot less attraction towards people when I don’t have any kind of connection.

Meh I’m getting distracted. I’ll continue this tomorrow maybe.