06

I was watching a Youtube video the other day about the differences between men and women’s brains. It was mostly comedic and almost a decade old (possibly more since I don’t know when it was recorded) Thus it’s probably not very applicable for today (though I haven’t looked at modern research for a long while)

Watching it did remind me of something I think about off and on: What is my gender?

I was born male and I do tend to engage with a lot of male dominated interests. I also am only sexually interested in females. Thus you might conclude, as I did in the past, that I’m 100% heterosexual male. Yet as time has gone on, I’ve noticed more and more that I break away from what is considered masculine.

Though when it comes to describing what I mean, I feel like I’m falling into the trap of assigning norms. For example if I say that I feel more emotional than most men, it feels like I’m saying men can’t be like that, or that women are overly emotional. It feels weird.

I guess where the doubt comes up most is whenever I have to create a character for a game or choose a picture to represent myself, I always go for female. A lot of guys say “huehue if I have to stare at someone’s ass all day, I’d rather it be a girls” or “This girl is my waifu” and while I can’t deny that being a small factor at times, there’s a lot of times where it just feels more natural. Like if I try to choose a guy or use a picture of some anime guy, I feel strangely uncomfortable.

There’s a part of me that sometimes wishes I was female. Not necessarily because I perceive it to be better than male (I actually think it’s a lot worse in several ways) but that sometimes it just fits how I feel in a particular situation or moment. It’s not as constant to want a sex change or be referred to with different pronouns, but there’s definitely a sort of fluidity there that kind of makes me think “Why do I necessarily to think of myself as a man here?”