I didn’t forget to make a post yesterday! Well mostly that is. I forgot up until it was 10:00 pm, at which point I remembered but couldn’t be fucked to write anything. Thanks to anyone that bothered checking yesterday, hopefully you’ll still see this post when you check next time (note to self: make sure to mention this post when I post next Friday)
When I was young, my view of life was pretty limited. I could only go off what I saw in media and what I thought I saw in the people around me. My plan for life initially just mimicked what I thought was the way life was. I didn’t question it because at the time there didn’t seem to be any issues. It just seemed to be how it was.
I don’t know if there was a specific moment I could point to where that image shattered. What I can say for sure is that over time, as I was exposed to more and more things growing up, cracks began to form. Eventually, it ended up where there were so many that I just threw away the image and thought about what I really wanted.
I guess I should be less vague.
About a month or so ago, I came to the conclusion that I no longer felt comfortable describing myself simply in the binary terms of male or female. I felt like I had elements of each and that I could really see myself as either or neither depending on the circumstances. I adopted nonbinary as my gender, and it’s honestly improved my self esteem a little bit.
I think at heart, I always thought attributing things to specific genders was dumb, but I always was self conscious about playing the role for other people. How could I ever find a partner if I didn’t act more aggressive like males? Wearing pink, that’s associated with girls, might make people look at me funny. Hell even just proclaiming my love for romance anime (not just harem stuff) made me worry that I wouldn’t be taken seriously as a fan of anime.
Caring what people think was always a pretty big factor in my life. I was lonely and wanted to be accepted into what I saw as “normal” Yet the more I did so, the more alienated I think I became. It wasn’t until I started being myself that I think that I ever made headway. Of course it didn’t just start with becoming nonbinary, that was just the most recent step in a series.
As I’ve gotten older and I’ve gotten a better look at people and the world, I’ve realized there’s no real plan in life. You can’t just follow route A and expect that you’ll end up at point B. While it’s terrifying, particularly with things like economic uncertainty and wars, it’s also quite exciting.
There’s that quote about being born too late to explore the world but too soon to explore the universe, but honestly, neither of which seems that great. Things sucked in the age of exploration in terms of your freedom and longevity, and exploring the universe isn’t necessarily going to introduce things that are going to be relevant to you anyway. Rather what people should be thinking is something more along the lines of “I’m born to explore the idea of a life I create” A life that can be anything
That’s kind of more how I see my life now.
While I’d like to find a significant other, I’m not as worried about it as I might have been in the past. Even if I did, I could tell you that my interest is entirely in companionship. If that doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t mind just living with family or even friends I make in the future.