I will respect myself more. I will love myself more. I will believe in myself more.

I could spend many hours writing about my past and how we got to this point, but I’ve done that many times already in the past. All it ever did was make me sad and frustrated. It never turned things around or created different thinking patterns. Worse off, I think it just added to my overall misery.

That’s why I’ve decided to hold off on that and just say what I should have all those times before. Even if I’ve made many mistakes I can’t take back, and even if I continue to make mistakes, I will love myself and keep striving for something better.

More posts coming soon?


I was watching a Youtube video the other day about the differences between men and women’s brains. It was mostly comedic and almost a decade old (possibly more since I don’t know when it was recorded) Thus it’s probably not very applicable for today (though I haven’t looked at modern research for a long while)

Watching it did remind me of something I think about off and on: What is my gender?

I was born male and I do tend to engage with a lot of male dominated interests. I also am only sexually interested in females. Thus you might conclude, as I did in the past, that I’m 100% heterosexual male. Yet as time has gone on, I’ve noticed more and more that I break away from what is considered masculine.

Though when it comes to describing what I mean, I feel like I’m falling into the trap of assigning norms. For example if I say that I feel more emotional than most men, it feels like I’m saying men can’t be like that, or that women are overly emotional. It feels weird.

I guess where the doubt comes up most is whenever I have to create a character for a game or choose a picture to represent myself, I always go for female. A lot of guys say “huehue if I have to stare at someone’s ass all day, I’d rather it be a girls” or “This girl is my waifu” and while I can’t deny that being a small factor at times, there’s a lot of times where it just feels more natural. Like if I try to choose a guy or use a picture of some anime guy, I feel strangely uncomfortable.

There’s a part of me that sometimes wishes I was female. Not necessarily because I perceive it to be better than male (I actually think it’s a lot worse in several ways) but that sometimes it just fits how I feel in a particular situation or moment. It’s not as constant to want a sex change or be referred to with different pronouns, but there’s definitely a sort of fluidity there that kind of makes me think “Why do I necessarily to think of myself as a man here?”


I miss being able to write the way I did when I was young. I’m not sure what triggered it, but at some point my inner critic was inflated ten times it’s normal size. Now whenever I try to write anything, I spend way too much time rewriting sentences because they don’t sound good enough. Often times abandoning writing things entirely when I notice I’ve spent a lot of time to write essentially nothing.

Something that I commonly find myself struggling with is the idea of paragraphs. I remember being taught that each paragraph should have three or more sentences and that you should start a new one when there is a new topic. Problem being that I tend to write massively long sentences with conjunctions galore, and sometimes I feel like my paragraphs are too short. Hell, even when I try to keep sentences short, there’s about the same number of sentences.

Sometimes I feel like my writing style has been stuck in a rut. I will look at things I wrote and notice that I use certain phrases or certain constructions frequently. I’m not sure if this is just because my inner critic is too sensitive or not, but I would ideally like to write differently. The only way I know of doing that, unfortunately, is by writing more which I can’t seem to do.

Maybe it’d be a good idea to just let it all go and do a true stream of consciousness post. Forget about any kind of flow or structure and focus solely on the practice of writing things. I’ve tried to do such posts before, but I never managed to completely let go all the way. Let’s try giving it a go, I guess.

I recently beat Chrono Cross. I was afraid it wouldn’t hold up to my memories of it, and in some sense it didn’t. Nostalgia and my younger brain (year 2000) filled in a lot of the experience. Replaying it made it abundantly clear that it was not the same masterpiece.

What’s interesting is that rather than causing disappointment, like one might expect, it actually allowed me to experience the game from a fresh perspective. When I embraced the idea that it wasn’t going to live up to my childhood, I was able to experience it as the person I am now rather than the person I’ve often become wistful for in my old age.

It wasn’t the same masterpiece, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t still a masterpiece. I came out of the experience thinking that it was worth replaying and with new appreciation of the overall package. I’d love to say more, but I can’t without going more indepth, which I feel is more suited to a discussion with others who played it more than an overview/review type post.

The one final thing I will say is that I feel like there’s a lot of disinformation about Cross. I’ve seen people say things like “It’s not even really connected to Chrono Trigger” and general sentiments that it wasn’t what they were hoping for in a sequel. While I can’t go into specifics on why they’re mistaken on the connections (without spoilers), I can say that it’s good that it was different. It may not have lived up to it’s fullest potential, but that’s less to do with “It failed to live up to the potential as a Chrono Trigger sequel” and more to do with “There’s a lot of untapped potential in what they did make that if they had an extra year… we could have had a game that could stand completely as it’s own thing”

Moving on to something different

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been taking it easy on my Japanese study. I don’t remember if I mentioned it or not (I did but fuck it we’ll leave this in), but I stopped doing Anki (flashcard program) reviews a couple weeks ago and haven’t been reading any Japanese VNs for over a week. This is partly because I haven’t had anything I’ve wanted to read that badly and partly because I’ve been reassessing my desire to learn.

I love Japanese, and I wish I was fluent enough in it to consume media naturally. I’d also love to be able to talk to Japanese people, if not only for the wild delusion I have of meeting a Japanese girl someday. The problem comes with whether giving it such a high priority will obtain any improvement to my life or if it will always just be something I used to play obscure games with anime pornography.

I don’t plan on being an official translator (maybe do some fan translation if I ever felt compelled) and the idea of a Japanese girlfriend is more fantasy than anything (Though everyone needs their fantasies) Even the Japanese only games are becoming further and further apart the more I grow older. How well could Japanese really suit me?

But then again, if I did end up getting even just a little bit better than I am now, I could see it revitalizing a lot of interest in stuff. This uncertainty could just be all due to depression.. In which case, maybe I should buckle in and focus on the heavy course again to break past it.

There’s no real good answer.

I’m tired of being lonely though, and I’ve been wondering more if there’s something else I should be focusing on to address that issue.

It’s not simply just an insecurity of the past. I’m just tired of everything I do only having a me component to it. If I could have someone to at least share in 70% of that, I feel like my quality of life would improve 10 fold. Hell, even just 10% would increase my quality of life 2-3 fold.

I don’t know what to do for it though. Obviously, I’m not in the kind of place where I can meet the kind of people who can fulfill that role, but the problem has always been about where that place exists. Not to forget that I can’t just go anywhere or do anything and have limits too.

I know what I want is probably a bit too specific. If I could, I would generalize my search a bit more. Pick some more social hobbies and try to be a bit more open to things like weight and looks. However, that’s something I cannot seem to do.

It’s not that I think I have high standards or even narrow ones to begin with. I think a decently youthful/healthy looking woman who is into some Japanese media herself isn’t a lot to ask for. I realize that I’d have much better chances if I could be interested in more types of people, but that doesn’t suddenly make it possible to become interested in more types of people.

Actually, as I’ve grown older, I’ve been feeling a lot less attraction towards people when I don’t have any kind of connection.

Meh I’m getting distracted. I’ll continue this tomorrow maybe.


I’ve been buying a lot of manga recently. Primarily it’s been series I’ve already read such as Oyasumi Punpun and Berserk. While I do have intentions of rereading both (especially Berserk), I find that one of my other motivators is wanting something physical I can either pass down or leave behind one day. Is that weird? Am I just giving myself excuses for the dopamine hits buying stuff gives me? (Please don’t answer that)

I’ve actually been thinking about buying a few things lately. Not for dopamine hits, I promise. Rather because for some reason, I find myself being sicker at home than when I’m not at home. This is why a lot of the time when I go to the doctors there’s almost never any symptoms for them to observe.

In specific an air purifier and a small vacuum. My idea is that maybe my room has too much crap in the air and it needs something extra to make it more hospitable. Seems pretty practical right? I’m worried that if it doesn’t work though I’ll just have more crap lying about (something I really don’t need) Though I guess I could always pack them away for whenever I move out of here. Hmm (As I type, I have the Amazon page open on one)

It’d be nice to find out what’s making me feel sick. Much as I’m looking to move out, I don’t want to leave home before I have a good handle on my health. Though I don’t know, if it takes much longer I might just say fuck it


Recently been watching the anime Horimiya. It’s one of those “two seemingly unlikely people meet and find out they like each other” series. It’s a good show for anyone that wants a romance where they show two people in a relationship instead of dancing around the issue. It’s also good for those that like there being some drama with the side characters relationships. Fairly comfy, but I’ve only seen up to episode 8 so far.

I’ve been addicted to listening to the opening.

There’s a few other things I’ve been watching. Making steady progress into Mirai Sentai Timeranger (tokusatsu super sentai show) and started dipping my toes into finally watching Slayers. Nothing to say on those quite yet.

I haven’t been able to get into anything game-wise since Elden Ring. Which is probably a good thing. I don’t necessarily need another game consuming my life like that one did (for as good as it was, I did not need to beat it 6 times) I did buy both Triangle Strategy and the Chrono Cross remaster, but considering I haven’t touched Triangle Strategy, I don’t expect Chrono Cross to fair much better unless the nostalgia flares up sometime soon.

Most of the rest of my free time has been devoted to reading Japanese. I’ve put my progress on Snow on temporary hold while I play one route of Kanojo * Step If you know me, you can guess which route it is (If not, lurk more and you’ll find out quickly) Might play the other routes sometime, but I don’t know for sure yet. Depends on how guilty I feel about stalling Snow I guess

Why did I stall Snow? That’s a good question. I think it was mostly the release of Elden Ring and then wanting to read something new when I finally escaped its clutches. I do want to get back to Snow sometime, but I’m also worried that by the time I do there’s likely to be a fan translation for it (something I didn’t know was in the works when I started) If that comes out, I may lose all my motivation to read it in Japanese (It’s not as easy to motivate yourself to read a foreign language when you have alternatives like that)

Speaking of Japanese, I’ve cut back on using Anki (flashcard application) I feel like I’m at the point where reading native Japanese is a more effective use of time. Not to mention that after a while, Anki feels less like you’re learning anything new and more like a chore that makes you not want to touch Japanese. Hopefully it works out well (otherwise it’s a bitch to go back to)

Japan has recently opened back up again. I had entertained the idea of possibly applying for one of the language schools there and doing some kind of stay over there. My thinking being that it might finally give me the push I need with Japanese and maybe I could meet some people there (either other students or native Japanese people) It would also scratch that “I need to visit Japan at least once in my life” itch that my interests have instilled in me.

Two major concerns I have about doing it are whether I’d be able to handle being on my own there, and whether I can find a course that fits my unique level of Japanese skill (Some areas I’m pretty advanced whereas others I feel like I need the basics) There’s also some concern about what my end goal is with this (Do I want to translate or what?) and whether the reasons I’m doing it are really the best for me. I don’t know, it’s hard

I can’t really see a clear path forward for me. I know I need to do something, but nothing is giving me a clear answer to what I want. Hell, what I want is probably the biggest question mark too.

Like, all I can really think is I’d like to meet someone special I can share my special interests with, and I would like to just be able to keep living. Which, while I’m sure many can relate, are also way too vague. I should probably have some dreams or ideals pushing me to make efforts, but I’m fresh out right now. And it’s been hard coming up with anything new

Each day I keep hoping something will come along to spur some kind of idea. Not seriously, but it is sometimes all I feel I can do right now.

That’s enough for this post. I’m going to try to post a bit more often, I promise.

Oh yeah here’s a new picture of me

Miscellaneous notes

At first I didn’t intend to update until I was completely satisfied with my site, but after some consideration I’ve decided to scrap that and start making posts. Eventually I will get around to making everything look better, but as long as people can read and comment on my posts, there’s no real reason to hold back on posting. That and there’s been some stuff I’ve wanted to write about that I’m too impatient to hold off on.

Before I get to that (subsequent posts), I might as well go over my intentions for this site.

Many years back (we’re talking late 90s) I started a blog because I was starved for attention and it was what people I knew online were doing. I thought if I did it too, maybe people would understand me better and allow me to become closer with them. I was desperate to be liked.

It’s not uncommon for kids/teens to be like that, but I think the difference with me was that I was already facing issues of feeling isolated due to various circumstances in my life (bullying, depression, living in a rural area, etc) Due to those things, I feel I was even more desperate for some kind of popularity than your average teen.

You might expect that as I’m speaking of the past that things are different now, but in all honesty, I’m not so sure. It’s true that unlike back then I recognize that my efforts were mostly attention seeking, but that doesn’t mean I have somehow transcended above that. I would still like the blog to help people understand me better and for it to bring me closer with people. I still would like attention. The only thing that’s really changed is my desperation for it has decreased a couple magnitudes

That’s okay with me though. I honestly believe that it’s normal to want attention, and accepting it is the first step towards cultivating proper behaviors for receiving it. Denying it would only create problems down the line as you engage in rash behaviors that you wont fully understand (from my observations)

With that aside, let’s get down to some business. Posts will pretty much be when I feel like them (one a month at the least and maybe 4-5 at the most) I will not be advertising them at first (as I’ve taken a break from social media) but when I do inevitably return to it, I will most likely only advertise a few of the ones that I feel are good representations of my content.

(In other words, the best way to keep up to date with all the posts is to just keep checking)

That’s all I’ve really got to say for now. Any questions are welcome in the comments (common sense rules apply)

My comeback now in progress

This is more-or-less a placeholder post for anyone visiting the site while it’s under construction.

While you’re here though, I’d like to take a few minutes of your time to rant about how ridiculous it is to set up a simple WordPress blog style site like this one.

Initially, it’s pretty easy to buy a domain and webhosting. A lot of times the place where you get your hosting will offer deals where you can get both managed by them. This can be beneficial for beginners, although I will say there are reasons you’d want to have the domain and hosting on different services (though I don’t remember them) I, for example host my site on hostinger and host my domain through Iwantmyname.

If you buy the domain with the hosting, the provider will usually set everything up for you. If not, you have to set up dns/nameservers to make sure your domain points to where you have your site hosted. For me, it was a process of finding out hostinger’s nameservers and logging into my domain host and pasting them into the nameserver’s section. This can be somewhat confusing to figure out if you have the hosting and domain with separate companies, but not too terrible.

The real frustration comes with setting up WordPress. While the actual installation is pretty easy (a lot of hosts will give you easy one-click installs for it) the frustration comes from getting your WordPress blog to look and act in the way you want it. In other words, the biggest hurdle is creating a design that you find satisfying.

If you’re hoping to use something simple like what I have, then you’re going to be disappointed to learn that 90% of the themes you’ll find wont apply. Instead what you’ll find is stuff that’s more suitable for a business or a law office site. High image usage with low amounts of actual content (note: this happens regardless of whether you even specify things like blog,simple, etc or not)

At least there’s still 10% right? Wrong. About 99% of the time you find something that looks good, you’ll find that it has some style choice or design thing that just doesn’t vibe with you. Maybe it’ll be an ugly footer or the designer put two search bars close to each other (actually happened with me on one of the previous layouts) Whatever it is, it will bug the crap out of you and the theme for whatever reason wont actually have an easy way to change it.

This is where you’re given two choices. If you know a bit of HTML and CSS you COULD go into the theme files and try to edit them to suit your needs (I’ve done this quite a bit) The big problem is that if you’re not an expert, it can often be hard to find out what exactly you need to change. Themes have a lot of files in order to make sites look uniform across various devices, and sometimes messing with things can either do nothing or make the entire thing break.

The other choice is to try to ignore whatever bothers you (Sometimes the content matters more than how something looks) I can’t personally ever choose this one though, and if I can’t edit something to look like I want it to, I’ll usually just end up looking for another theme entirely until I find that 1% of themes that have enough of what I want.

That’s a small look into what I’m going through right now. While I think I’ve found a theme that I can repurpose the way I want things, I also wouldn’t be surprised if in a day I find something I can’t change that will drive me to look for another one. I also wouldn’t be surprised if that repeated several times before I just got sick of it all and finally settled on something. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that dark future, but if it does, you’ll know why.

Actual posting will start up in March, I think.