Forcing myself because this is the only way I can think of to actually get something done.

One of my neighbors recently put up signs in his yard for republican candidates in this year’s election. While I’m not surprised that he was republican (he had his American flag at half mast for Charlie Kirk), I was caught off-guard and made uncomfortable by it due to his willingness to support the current regime by publicly displaying his support. I thought somewhere he could still be a decent person, but I’ve realized, not for the first time, republicans are not decent people.

Don’t get me wrong. Democrats aren’t necessarily decent people either. A lot of the “left” in this country is really just the less extreme “right” This is not simply me being a radical left socialist or anything, though I don’t have the energy to really care if you call me that. It’s just that people working for other people, rather than for just themselves, are actually rare. Especially in this capitalist world we live in that lets money dictate far more than it should.

I wouldn’t call myself immune from that either. Sometimes I just want to take the easy way out or do something that strictly benefits me without thinking of others. I wouldn’t say that I’m somehow a great person that always thinks of everyone and could make everyone happy. Especially since that level of selflessness would probably destroy anyone.

I will say though that I do think about others a lot. Though rather than in a selfless way, I often find myself thinking about them in an effort to find a place for myself. It’s not an uncommon thing for most people, but it’s often hard to acknowledge other people struggle with it because for whatever reason the grass always seems greener. Regardless of what other terrible stuff someone else might be going through, it’s easy to covet something someone else has.

Some religion somewhere, or maybe a couple, will probably say that’s not good to do, and I can’t argue against it. Yet to truly not covet what others have, you need satisfaction with who you are. Something that I feel needs to be taught more. Like yeah, you can tell someone “Don’t do this this or this” and it can have good intentions, but the emptiness still needs to be filled with something that makes people feel like they don’t need to do the things they shouldn’t.

Religion promises God’s love, but that’s not enough for many religious folks. Despite calling themselves believers, many will throw themselves into sin if it helps fill the hole. They’ll throw themselves in without thinking about it and believe God will forgive them in the end because they attended church every Sunday or they prayed everyday.

Sorry, let’s stop talking about religion. It’s not my intention to bash it or engage in theological debates. I’m trying to explain the emptiness that drives us to fill ourselves. The most natural way we know is selfishness, but that’s most often the worse way to go about it. Especially living in a society that’s become so dependent on a lot of people.

Where was I going with this? I don’t entirely know anymore. That’s a problem I have when I ramble. Without structure, I tend to go down other paths, which makes writing easy but then makes me feel like I should delete the whole thing. With structure, I tend to spend way too much time just sitting there planning out what I was going to talk about. It feels like I can’t win

I guess initially I just wanted to complain about how it feels like I’m living in a world that I’m having trouble finding a place to fit in. I wanted to complain about I feel lonely not having enough friends, lonely for not having a significant other, frustrated for how directionless my life seems to be, frustrated that my current attempts to improve don’t seem to be doing anything.. The emptiness just still kind of sits and I get annoyed seeing other people profiting off being the worst people.

But I guess I need to stop caring about the worst people. I need to stop worrying about where I fit in. I need to start accepting myself for who I am more, and accepting that I can change and improve whatever I don’t like.

I haven’t acknowledged this in a long time, but I am depressed. I have been depressed for about a decade or so now. It’s not the first bout of depression, as I had one that lasted throughout my teenage years, but it’s probably the worst given the period of my life that it’s affecting. That’s not to make light of depression when you’re young, but there’s so much more to do when you’re older (both things you want and things you don’t) that it’s a lot harder to push through. You can’t just shutdown and expect people to take care of you.

The reason I haven’t acknowledged it as of late, weirdly enough, was I forgot. You live with something long enough, it eventually just becomes a part of you, and you stop questioning its existence. It’s just who you are, despite often finding yourself wishing you could be different.

It’s important I acknowledge it though, and if you’re wondering why, it’s because if I don’t I’ll continue to just treat it as a part of me. I’ll continue to acknowledge any bad shit going on in my life as uncontrollable and continue to suffer. I’ll assume there’s nothing I can do rather than try to fight.

It’s important to remember because when I think things like “I wish I was someone else” it reminds me that I am in fact someone else. The large reason I want to be someone else is because I recognize in them things I wish for myself that depression is preventing me from taking back. The stuff that’s always existed but I long for because I miss them, not because I lack them.

It’s on that note that I’ve decided to start making efforts again. Efforts to fight the depression and take back who I am.

One of those starts with this blog. I’m intending on updating it a bit, to suit my tastes a bit more, and to start updating it with posts again.

Stay tuned

A couple weeks back, I ran into this channel on Youtube. For those who don’t feel like clicking, it’s essentially a vlog of a woman in Japan where she talks about stuff in her life. Mostly highlighting recent things that are rough in her life.

I felt a twinge of empathy seeing titles feature words like “no friends” and “lonely” While I’d seen plenty of people on social media like Twitter who say this to hundreds of replies, it felt a little more real with someone putting themselves in front of a camera (although not fully) It felt more like a plea from someone looking for a genuine connection, in my eyes.

I started to develop feelings for her.

I recognized right off the bat that it was pretty illogical. I knew it was mostly parasocial attachment. Even if she was responding to my comments, there was little chance I was anything significant to her compared to anyone else. There was little chance I would even become someone significant. I knew all these feelings would get me was heartbreak when I had to inevitably face the truth. Yet I let myself dream.

Where the realization hit me that I probably would never be anything more, was when I started seeing donations in her comments. People giving her anywhere from 10-100 dollars. It wasn’t a lot of people, but it made me wonder who I was to her. Especially in the face of others who gave her money.

And it’s not that I would say that she cared about money. I don’t know enough about her to say things like that. Heck, I can’t even say whether she’s a real person. It’s just realistically, what kind of relationship can bloom from a few comments on the internet. Especially with someone who’s getting comments from many other people, some of which are going as far to give her money.

I’ve often thought about doing a Youtube and/or livestreaming as a method to combat my loneliness. However, one of the things I’ve always thought about was, assuming I’d even gain an audience(which seems unlikely), how would you even process relationships? You can’t be good friends with every single person you come across online. You can’t make promises to keep up with just anyone that comes across your doorstep

Maybe I’m just focusing only on the potential negatives. In any event we’re getting off-topic.

Going forward, I probably will have to try and distance myself from them and break my lingering attachment. Stop looking so much for “what-ifs” and start focusing on things I can actually control.. Maybe

Introduction

Hi, my name is Adam. I currently go by Mae online.

My hope for this blog is to give people a window into who I am and how I think. I expect not many will bother to check it, but for those that do, my hope is that I can foster enough interest to get them to look further.

I’d love to make some strong bonds with people. I’m lonely, and my current situation doesn’t give me a lot of room or opportunities to fix that. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say I don’t know how to fix it, and I’ve resolved to taking unconventional measures to address the problem.

By strong bonds, I don’t mean just following each other on social media or occasionally commenting on each others’ posts. I’m talking about a bond that shapes your whole life. A type of bond that’s unique and irreplaceable. A bond reserved for the people that actually matter.

Things I like

I got into video games at an early age. My father owned a Commodore 64 and many of my cousins owned a NES/Famicom (It’d be a couple years before I had my own NES) Back then, I mostly played and enjoyed what I was offered. I would play platformers, first person shooters, sports games, game show games, whatever.

The first game I played that I remember leaving a unique impression that wasn’t just something I was handed was Mega Man 3 (Rockman 3) Then after that was Monkey Island, Crystalis, Donkey Kong Country… Eventually my tastes evolved towards less gameplay intensive and more story-centered titles. I entered my Japanese RPG era around the time of the SNES and Playstation

I loved JRPGs. It helped that I was also getting into anime through Toonami/internet around that time as well. At first it was Final Fantasy, Super Mario RPG, and Chrono Trigger, but I eventually grew into Dragon Quest, Wild Arms, Xenogears and Breath of Fire.

The most influential JRPG and JRPG series to me, apart from FF7, was actually Suikoden. More specifically Suikoden II (and later V) I have played no other JRPGs (again apart from FF7) more than I have played II and V. I love their stories that much

My interest in JRPGs never died, although it was around the PS2 era where I felt myself losing interest in a lot of titles. Nothing quite hit like the stuff from the original SNES or Playstation. While I still enjoyed some stuff, I started to indulge more in my interests in anime and visual novels.

I was introduced to anime through Sailor Moon on Toonami. It holds a special place in my heart. I also really enjoyed shows like Tenchi Muyo, Outlaw Star, and Yu Yu Hakusho on there. Then on Adult Swim I was introduced to shows like Cowboy Bebop, Trigun, and Gundam Wing.

Over the years, I’ve watched many series I’d probably add to that. Honestly, there’s not a single anime I think I dislike. That’s not to say I’m simple, but I’d like to think I can appreciate anything. Though I’m sure it’s more that I never watch anything that’s bad enough for me to remember

Around the time I got into anime, I also started getting into visual novels. Though at this time they weren’t referred to as visual novels. Instead we mostly referred to them as hentai games since they were anime games that included sexual imagery.

I wont say the erotic nature wasn’t appealing to me as a blossoming hormonal teenager, but what I found more appealing were the stories. Most of the romance I had seen in anime up to that point weren’t very definitive. Either the shows danced around it, or at best you got a brief glimpse of budding relationship at the end.

It appealed to me because I was lonely. I fell in love with the heroines of the games, as simple as they were then, and as the medium grew in the west, I became exposed to much deeper and more complex stories.

I’ll talk more about them in another post down the line, but some specific titles I really liked: Utawarerumono series, Sakura no Uta (and Toki), Kara no Shoujo series (including the Cartagra remake), Summer Pockets, Little Busters, and Kazoku Keikaku

and more

I want to try to keep these posts as short and bite sized as I can. While there’s a lot more I could add, I think this gives you a very cursory glance at me. I hope. If I didn’t scare you away already…