Plans for this blog

I started blogging back in the late 90s early 2000s. First it was an Geocities-esque site, then it became a Livejournal, and eventually an actual blog (This site specifically is its 4th or 5th iteration) I started blogging because I loved writing (specifically fiction) and as a shy/introverted kid, I wanted a way to get myself out there.

My penchant for blogging and writing died down after college. I don’t like to admit that I got lazy, but I got lazy. My depression at the time was kicking my ass hard, and rather than write about it, I would distract myself with online. Fast forward a decade or so later, and here we are with this lonely and barren blog (comparative to my other blogs)

Recently, I’ve made the decision to cut the major influence that is the internet out of my life. More concretely, I want to stop being terminally online (basically living on the internet) and take back some of the productivity it has sapped away over the years. I intend to do this by quitting all my current social media accounts and to try and keep my web browsers closed when I’m not doing something essential (paying bills, looking up needed information) I also intend to make sure that I’m not on the computer itself for every hour of the day by incorporating activities that will get me off (things like reading)

This blog will be one of the few things I do online (apart from occasional Discord use) that doesn’t fall into the essential category. My hope is that keeping off social media will translate into writing content for this thing. From there, I’m hoping that it will inspire me to write fiction again more seriously, and perhaps put me back on the road of my dream of writing a book one day.

In the near future, I plan to set about changing the way things look a bit and organizing things into sections. Ideally, I would like to have a way to update people with things I’m currently doing (with short blurbs that might be reminiscent of Tweets) and a main blog where I talk in-depth about things that are happening in my life (or just require a bit more exposition).

I’m fairly certain of how I want it to be. The only thing standing in my way is the hell that is getting WordPress to make it that way. If things go smoothly (which they seldom do) it could be implemented before this month is done. If things go poorly, it could be you don’t see any major movements until 2023. It’s a crapshoot.

Still, I’ll try to go back to updating every Friday with a little something like I was trying before. If you’re looking to become a regular reader, then try to check on that day. Otherwise, just keep this site in mind and check when the whim strikes you.

Another fresh start

If you’ve visited before and noticed that there’s now a lack of posts, you’re not crazy. I have this habit (maybe it’s a bad one) to delete prior posts whenever I decide I want to start fresh with my site. The benefit to me is that I can write things without necessarily feeling like I have any baggage or that I already wrote something before. Though the downside is that it makes things feel a lot more desolate. I’ll try to keep the momentum this time so that I don’t wind up deleting anything later

It’s labor day weekend here and everyone I know seems to have something special planned. I’d like to say that it doesn’t bother me that I don’t, but that’s not entirely true. I do get a bit sad that I seem to be isolated, and that there’s a distance that’s formed between myself and my friends. A distance I want to do something about, but feel difficult to bring up. Especially when I currently don’t have any solutions of my own and my current situation doesn’t offer me a lot of options either.

One friend is married while the other is about to be married. The days in which I could live with one or easily spend the night at the others is past. Additionally I no longer have an apartment, and while I would love to invite both or even one of them to my parents place for a weekend, we unfortunately don’t have room for guests. I could do what I did in the past and get a hotel room somewhere for us to get together, but that leads into the next part of the problem

Figuring out what to do with them feels more difficult than it did in the past. It’s not that we don’t all still love a lot of the same things, but that getting together to go out to the bars doesn’t really work as the main event anymore. Before we would just sort of take it for granted we’d go out drinking and schedule other events to take up time around that. Now it’s not like we couldn’t go to the bars/drink, but somewhere I guess it got to a point where we relied on it too much and it feels overdone.

We could just get together for all the other stuff we usually do, but the issue is that none of those things work as a main event item. Things like watching anime or playing video games, are just too generic. If it was just a day together, that would be one thing, but since we live so far apart (well me especially) it requires something more concrete. It requires something more venturous.

I’m not the most venturous person however. Suffering from both anxiety and depression, it’s hard to proffer my own interests because it can be hard to muster interest at all. If someone else does it, I can, especially if it’s with my friends, but myself? Even when I do occasionally manage to speak up for something, I can give up on easily if I get the slightest inkling that someone isn’t completely onboard.

I would never come up with things like “Let’s go to the badlands” or “Lets go to UP Michigan” Those types of things never crossed my mind as somewhere I’d want to go. Hearing later that my friends would go together without me to those places, however, just hurt. Not that I necessarily hold negative feelings towards them for going without me, but if they had asked I would have said yes. Just because I want to spend more time with them.

I suggested several years ago we should all go to Japan someday, but it was always tentative because of one of my friends financial situation. Anywhere else I could think that really holds some interest for me are places that are far and cost considerable money (things like anime conventions). Money that I don’t think any of us can just put down.

In the interest of thinking about something else for a bit, let me switch topics. We’ll come back to this again another post, I’m sure.

I’ve been working a lot lately on redesigning my room here at home. Partly because it’s something I have control over and partly because I believe the more I optimize it, the better I feel being in it. That’s proven to be true when I replaced my desk and made a lot more space, and once I finish the next set of optimizations I feel like it’s going to be unlike any other environment I’ve ever been in.

I meant to take some pictures of it when I finished the previous stage, but I neglected it in favor of just waiting until it was done. Though I can go over a bit of what I’ve done thus far.

  1. I replaced my bulky desk with a thinner/longer L shaped desk that sits in the corner of my room
  2. I got new shelves for my tv entertainment center
  3. My 55 inch is now mounted on the wall for more space.
  4. I got rid of some bulky shit that wasn’t serving much of a purpose

I also just put here some stuff I plan to do

  1. I’m getting a lot more mounting hardware for various things. Going to try to utilize the wall space more
  2. I also got a bunch of wall shelves from Ikea I plan to hang on the walls. Currently still working out the best way to hang them to the wall

Once I’m able to get that setup and some stuff organized, I should have it like I’m envisioning it to be. Hoping to be done by the end of September.

I think that’s good for the first post. I spent a good couple hours on both this and the about page (which has some more if you’re hungry for content) I’ll try to update with something every Friday if I can (or every other if I can’t) Keep posted

Things I’m doing

Circumstances right now don’t allow me room to stop living with my parents. Thus, I’m doing all that I can to make the most of things and also get some kind of life started for me. This post is mainly about the stuff I’ve been working on to tackle those two issues.

If you’re wondering why I can’t just move out, it’s a long story that I’m tired of rehashing (mostly because it makes me feel bleh) Essentially, it’s a combination of the bad housing market/high rent and the lack of a solid plan on what I should do next. While I hope to eventually fix the lack of a plan over the next year (something I might talk about in this post but more than likely will talk about next post), I can’t really control the first other than try to save up money (which is way easier to do when you don’t pay rent)

A big thing I’ve been working on while home is creating a productive space. The problem I face is that my house is small, my room is small, and my family has some genetic predisposition to horde. Not in a disgusting way (we don’t keep old food containers or anything you might see on TV), but we all have the habit of keeping around a lot of stuff we don’t use/need. Thus my family and I suffer from the classic problem of having too much crap with nowhere to put it.

My first big goal has been partly to downsize and partly to optimize. While I admittedly still need to cut down my buying a little, I’ve been making a real effort to get rid of stuff and giving myself more breathing room. The hope is that if I can get it to a point where it feels open and productive but not boring (I find being too minimalist to be stifling to one’s creativity)

Some things I’ve done already include replacing my bulky desk with a more practical L-shaped one and installing some more effective shelving. Next I hope to install some shelfs on the wall to offer more storage (mostly figures,plushes and books) by the end of this month. If things go as planned, I should be able to take some pictures of the results then too

The second big goal is to lessen my time on my desktop computer. Normally, my habits have me turning it on when I wake up and loitering on it when my attention shifts. This not only wastes time, but it also causes me to make a lot more random purchases than I probably should. I want to manage both the time and my money a bit better.

There’s been some progress in this area. It’s not at the point where I think I’ve broken the addiction, but I have spent as much as a week without turning on the PC. If I can get some other things setup, I think spending a month or more might be a possibility (note: This doesn’t mean I would never turn it on. Only that I would use it when I had purpose to use it)

I will talk about how I’m doing this at a later date (probably next weeks post)

The third goal is redoubling my efforts on Japanese. For a period I did slack a bit due to the release of Xenoblade 3, but now that I’m mostly done with that, I’m anxious to dive back into it (actually I think the break was good in the regard it made me miss learning Japanese) Currently I am going through a 7-8k vocabulary anki deck, and am already through 1k words. Even though those words are mostly ones I already know, it’s still quite motivating to see how far I’ve really come.

I’m also looking to get back into reading some things. I’ve got one visual novel on the Switch that I’ve been reading without texthooking (one of my current biggest crutches) and I have some plans to replay a few JRPGs in Japanese soon (as well as some Japanese only games) My hope is that by next year I should be close to a n1 level of Japanese. Close enough to where taking the test might actually be a consideration and possibly even a potential future career

Fourth goal is to read and write more. You can probably guess this is why I restarted work on my blog again. Other things I’m doing includes acquiring a lot of manga recently and working more into my schedule.

That’s all for today’s post. I had initially planned to go a bit more into a lot of stuff, but I have some other things to do and unfortunately writing is having a draining effect on me right now (it might also be the rainy weather) Rather than try to force things, I figured it would be better to just keep things short for now.

Too much excitement

Hi, today’s post is unfortunately going to be a pretty short one. This isn’t due to anything bad, but rather being too excited about several different things at once and not being able to attain the zen needed to sit down and actually write.

Specifically, I’m excited for the remaster of Suikoden 1 and 2 that just got announced by Konami, and I’m excited that my Animal Crossing Switch sold on eBay. Both of those things got me thinking less about a post and more about other things. Things I could write about in the future, but will require thinking out more (rather than being able to spontaneously post about)

I did try to write something regardless, but at the rate it’s going, I don’t think it will be done in a reasonable time frame today (I could see it taking me until 9-10 pm ) Maybe I’ll post it tomorrow or save it for next week, we’ll have to see.

In any event, it’s been a great week!

How I view life now

I didn’t forget to make a post yesterday! Well mostly that is. I forgot up until it was 10:00 pm, at which point I remembered but couldn’t be fucked to write anything. Thanks to anyone that bothered checking yesterday, hopefully you’ll still see this post when you check next time (note to self: make sure to mention this post when I post next Friday)

When I was young, my view of life was pretty limited. I could only go off what I saw in media and what I thought I saw in the people around me. My plan for life initially just mimicked what I thought was the way life was. I didn’t question it because at the time there didn’t seem to be any issues. It just seemed to be how it was.

I don’t know if there was a specific moment I could point to where that image shattered. What I can say for sure is that over time, as I was exposed to more and more things growing up, cracks began to form. Eventually, it ended up where there were so many that I just threw away the image and thought about what I really wanted.

I guess I should be less vague.

About a month or so ago, I came to the conclusion that I no longer felt comfortable describing myself simply in the binary terms of male or female. I felt like I had elements of each and that I could really see myself as either or neither depending on the circumstances. I adopted nonbinary as my gender, and it’s honestly improved my self esteem a little bit.

I think at heart, I always thought attributing things to specific genders was dumb, but I always was self conscious about playing the role for other people. How could I ever find a partner if I didn’t act more aggressive like males? Wearing pink, that’s associated with girls, might make people look at me funny. Hell even just proclaiming my love for romance anime (not just harem stuff) made me worry that I wouldn’t be taken seriously as a fan of anime.

Caring what people think was always a pretty big factor in my life. I was lonely and wanted to be accepted into what I saw as “normal” Yet the more I did so, the more alienated I think I became. It wasn’t until I started being myself that I think that I ever made headway. Of course it didn’t just start with becoming nonbinary, that was just the most recent step in a series.

As I’ve gotten older and I’ve gotten a better look at people and the world, I’ve realized there’s no real plan in life. You can’t just follow route A and expect that you’ll end up at point B. While it’s terrifying, particularly with things like economic uncertainty and wars, it’s also quite exciting.

There’s that quote about being born too late to explore the world but too soon to explore the universe, but honestly, neither of which seems that great. Things sucked in the age of exploration in terms of your freedom and longevity, and exploring the universe isn’t necessarily going to introduce things that are going to be relevant to you anyway. Rather what people should be thinking is something more along the lines of “I’m born to explore the idea of a life I create” A life that can be anything

That’s kind of more how I see my life now.

While I’d like to find a significant other, I’m not as worried about it as I might have been in the past. Even if I did, I could tell you that my interest is entirely in companionship. If that doesn’t happen, I wouldn’t mind just living with family or even friends I make in the future.