Yesterday I almost let myself get out of…

Yesterday, I almost let myself get out of control with my spending again. I saw that a British anime site was selling Gundam series super cheap and I ended up making an order with Paypal’s pay later. Not even an hour later, I was racked with guilt and wanting to cancel. Thus I ended up sending an email and having my ordered cancelled today.

Why do I do it? Why do I buy all this shit I have no need for? Why do I self sabotage my finances like this to begin with? You might be asking those questions, and after a long time asking myself those questions (many years), I think I can explain it.

Let me first start off by saying that my explanation is no form of justification. All my reasoning for doing such things is based off unhealthy ways of thinking. Recognizing that, however, is the first step in order to overcoming it.

Taking my recent incident as an example, let me walk you through the different thought processes (both conscious and unconscious)

The deal was a pretty good one. For those not aware, normally Gundam series tend to cost like 50 bucks per set, but it’s not uncommon for most Gundam series to span two sets (Most 50 episode series come in two sets) Which means you’re most likely paying 100 bucks for most Gundam series. The deal discounted the sets to about 25 dollars and also incorporated a buy one get one. Thus you could get a 100 series for about 25 bucks

The major catch was the blurays are region B (as opposed to A which is what US and Japan use) as the store is in England. Thus the only way to play them is to buy hacked blu-ray players. Which, had I gone through with purchasing, I would have also needed to buy (They range from like 100-300 bucks depending on how nice of one you want)

Still, when you consider the cost of the US Gundam sets, you’re saving A LOT of money. I had at least 12 sets plus some movies which would have come out, if I bought them in the US, to over 600. Whereas with the cheapest region free blu-ray player and the sale, it would only be about 300ish. Insanely good deal.

When you see that good of a deal, there’s a lot of times, at least in my case, where I start thinking about whether I can use that particular thing. It’s a habit I think I’ve inherited/been conditioned into from my father. Whenever we see something that’s a good deal, we start getting ideas in our head for how to use it.

I had, in the past, started on a journey to see all of Gundam. While it’s very much something I’d still like to do, it’s been a couple years since I watched a Gundam series and now I hardly remember them. I want to start over, but since then I’ve also acquired a lot of other stuff I’d like to do (What can I say but there’s a lot of stuff that interests me, at least in my niches anyway)

Seeing a deal that’s not going to last, however, reminds me that I wanted to do that, and I start thinking about “Well what if I take advantage of this now and that will both give me the incentive and a way of tackling this project” Not realizing that you’re invested in a bunch of other stuff and that you never do until later on when you see a stack of Gundam blurays clogging up a shelf that you were hoping to use for something else.

Substitute Gundam for a bunch of other things, and you’ll understand part of my line of thinking. It’s a combination of FOMO but also stockpiling for a project I never end up embarking on.

The other sort of big reason I buy so much shit, is recognition. We all know how people live outside their means in order to appear a certain way, and I’m no different at times. While I don’t do it with a wish to be seen as more than anyone else, I do do it to be seen in a positive light. Because then it feels like I’ve been accepted in a way

Again using the Gundam blurays as an example, somewhere deep down I’m hoping it might impress someone. I’m hoping they’ll think “That dude seems cool, maybe I should get to know them better”

Obviously, when brought to the surface of my thoughts, I know it’s an unhealthy way to think. Being part of my unconscious though, it can be hard to have it come to light. Especially in a moment where I’m thinking of buying something in the first place and all I can think is “I want this”

While this is normally the season many people…

While this is normally the season many people are buying things, I’m doing the opposite and selling a lot of crap. Got a little out-of-hand with purchases the past year on top of not having much money from some bad decision making (there was quite a bit I spent on gacha games for example) Not in big trouble, but it was likely to take me most of 2024 to get squared away if I just relied on my income.

I started selling stuff on eBay again. I had stopped briefly due to some new regulations, but thankfully those have been pushed back to next year (plus are getting adjusted to something far more reasonable) While I’m somewhat sad to let things go, I also feel somewhat cathartic. Honestly, I think if I could get rid of like 70% of what I had, I could see myself being a lot happier for it.

I’ve decided to sell most of my physical video games, except for the few that I have bought collectors editions for and the games that have no PC port. I’ve realized that I don’t have time for 90% of them and stockpiling them for a rainy day is pointless. I’m thinking of actually going digital only for games here on out just because it will save on space and it will make me consider what I get much more since digital can’t be sold. Plus I figure if I’m ordering it digitally, chances are I’m planning to play it right after (like buying for being able to play at midnight etc)

I’d love to get rid of some figures, but unfortunately I don’t really have a great avenue for that. Being used without the box is pretty much a death sentence. Even if I heavily discount them, there’s always concerns about how to safely ship them. I’d sell locally, but I live out in no-mans land practically.

I’d like to also downsize the manga I bought into a few favorite series. The big issue is I haven’t actually read much of the stuff I’ve bought and I’d rather do that before prematurely selling most stuff. I guess I wouldn’t mind opting for digital here either, but it’s a little bit more complicated than with games (I like the manga feel better and there’s no distribution service like Steam) Going to have to think some more.

I’ve also debated trying to sell my old computer and one of my laptops. Part of me is resistant to that though because I like the idea of having a spare (especially when my current cashflow isn’t equipped to buy a new one if things get rough) I guess I’ll have to think some more.

I’m taking another indefinite hiatus from social media…

I’m taking another indefinite hiatus from social media. This time, I’m aiming to keep off it for a year while I get myself in order. Right now, it’s just not doing anything for me other than exasperating my negative emotions, and even when it’s not, it’s often encouraging me to engage in non-productive behaviors (like buying a lot of shit I don’t need)

I’ll be posting here more, most likely. Though I’m going to give myself a few days (maybe even weeks) to center myself

It’s time for a bit of an update…

It’s time for a bit of an update on me.

Lately, I’ve been feeling good. Really good. The reason why is still somewhat unclear, but what it comes down to is that there’s been something wrong with my gut for the past several years and I’m only now starting to find some relief for it.

To be more specific, I’ve had numerous health issues that have been bothering me for several years now (4 or 5 at least) Random alarming body pains, weird pulsations, constipation, and acid reflex. While maybe not all related to each other (unsure) they were really interfering with my quality of life. Enough where I went to the doctor several times (and several different doctors) to get some kind of direction.

My regular doctor would just give me blood tests, all of which would come back normal. She would tell me that I’m just getting old and that I needed to take fiber and laxatives. Which I did to minimal improvements. Another doctor told me it was fibromyalgia (which they then admitted is basically a doctors diagnosis when they don’t know what’s going on) (Basically them giving up without really trying) Another doctor, upon learning some family history, gave me a referral for a colonoscopy which was quite an ordeal (but otherwise showed no problems) Oh and I also got tested for allergies once

My own suspicion was either something with my stomach or neurological. I figured the constipation/acid reflex was a stomach problem and the pains were some kind of neuropathy. I even wondered if they might be related. The doctors I saw seemed to dismiss the idea, but honestly I feel like it was outside their field of expertise. I wanted them to refer me to a neurologist or someone who knows the stomach, but my guess is doctors wont refer you to a specialist unless they themselves have some idea (and just need confirmation)

In any case, doctors weren’t really stepping up to the plate, and it was causing me a lot of frustration. This on top of the frustration with where I was in life and time ceaselessly marching on, really fucked with me for the past several years. And while I wouldn’t go as far to call the last several years irredeemable, I would say I wasn’t anywhere near where I needed to be.

But now things are different. While I’m still not sure exactly what’s going on, I feel better and closer to an answer.

You see, in my quest to figure out what’s causing my issues, I started a new probiotic. A few hours after my first dose of it, I noticed I had developed some itchy spots. This wasn’t the first time I had experienced itchiness like it, but I found the timing to be somewhat suspect. Reading online, I then found out about something called histamine intolerance

While it wasn’t a perfect fit for everything wrong with me, I wondered if it might really be something with my gut. So I’ve started doing a few things like eliminating my consumption of milk and taking only half of the two pills of the dose of my probiotic.. and well.. I haven’t faced any issues of constipation since.

That’s not all though. I find myself feeling a lot less depressed and anxious. I’m also a lot less irritable.

I still deal with random pains and acid reflux like symptoms, but I feel like they’re a lot more manageable now that I’m not also dealing with the constipation. Who knows, they might also get better with some more time. I can’t really say for sure.

I do have a physical sometime in the future, and I plan to ask my doctor more. At the very least, I hope that if they don’t know they can give me a referral to someone who does (for once) That’d be great..

But even without that, I feel myself heading more and more towards a positive direction as of late. Hopefully I’ll have some more to share in regards to that over the coming weeks

I had a nightmare last night I was…

I had a nightmare last night.

I was supposed to get together with some friends, but for some reason I was staying in a hotel while they were staying somewhere else. Frustrated, I asked them if we could talk about things and if I could see them, but they responded saying there was nothing to talk about. It felt terrible. I was so desperate to get them back but they didn’t want anything to do with me.

Maybe it’s because yesterday I saw a clip on Youtube that said never make someone a priority who considers you an option. Or maybe it was due to some negative feelings I had a week or so ago about my declining relationships. Probably both.

I need to see about making some more friends and connections

Something I never really got into the habit…

Something I never really got into the habit of, compared to other people is saving pictures to post elsewhere. Though it does occur to me that people naturally don’t find posts that are just text to be very appealing, and I’m going to try to change that by hopefully finding something to post with more of my updates. Whether that be taking screenshots of games I’m playing or posting just a random Youtube music video

I thought I’d give a little update on…

I thought I’d give a little update on doshikuro, as it’s been what I’ve been playing the most of recently (apart from FGO and my Suikoden 4 playthrough)

I found the “patch” that changes every heroine sprite to have jet black hair. Turns out it’s actually part of the installer, and it’s all controlled by one file that you can delete to revert it back. I tried it out today, and while I can say there’s definitely some appeal (not just for memeing) I’m not sure I’m going to stick with it. Like I said in my previous post, it doesn’t affect the cgs, which kind of takes a lot of the fun/appeal out of using it for the entire game

I’ll be using the rest of this to recap what’s happened thus far. It’s not a lot, but if you’re one of those people who want to go in completely blind and you intend to experience this game, then this is going to be the only warning I give. When I get further into the game, I will use spoiler tagging for these kind of sections, but for right now it’s still early enough to be considered the premise.

Essentially, our protagonist likes black hair, but his family and childhood friend Urara (the girl pictured below) think it’s a problem. They force him to go on a retreat/pilgrimage to cure his affliction, only for him to get caught in a blizzard and almost die inside a cave.

He doesn’t die because a goddess wearing a lion dog mask finds him and in his delirious death like state he proposes to her (he can’t see what she looks like but he can see her hair) She then attempts to save him, and eventually he somehow manages to return to his everyday life.

Later, during the summer, the goddess shows up again and informs him she’s come to be his wife. While he’s perfectly willing to do this, his childhood friend (and tsundere) urara tries to stop it. Only for it to be revealed that Haruto (I just realized I haven’t mentioned MC by name yet) was only save because she accepted him as her servant. If she didn’t share her power with him, he would die.

Currently, after a disastrous first night (Something funny happens, but it’s kind of inappropriate) Haruto is at an all time low, and Urara is trying to convince him that the goddess who came is just a con artist trying to take advantage of him. Lots of turmoil, but now another goddess, the little sister of the goddess who saved Haruto, has come on the scene to straighten things out (and by straighten things out, I’m assuming that it’s just going to make things more complicated)

So yeah, it’s been a fairly entertaining and easy read compared to Sakura no Toki. I’m at present only doing about 200-400 lines per day, but I plan to double that in the coming days, I think.

I think next I update about this game will be after I finish reading a route. That post will be entirely spoiler tagged

07:End of the line

This is my last monthly post for the forseeable future. From here on out I plan to do more frequent micro-blogging that talks about things I’ve been doing

The decision to start micro-blogging was something I’ve been thinking about for weeks, but the decision to stop the monthly posts was more recent. Not going to go into it other than I feel like I lost my reason for posting them to begin with. I’d also like to avoid anyone misunderstanding things from dumping my emotional baggage here.

Yeah, that’s all I really have to say about that.

Haha okay so I think I’ve gotten most…

Haha, okay so I think I’ve gotten most things to work like I want them. If you’re curious about the particulars, I’ll be making a more proper post later. I’d make one right now, but I’ve spent practically all day messing with this. Plus I need to still get some more pictures for the random image thingy

Until then, if you notice anything wonky, please contact me on discord at maegamisama. Thanks!

Got spoilers working properly spoiler as you can…

Got spoilers working properly [spoiler] as you can see [/spoiler] Next thing I need to do is start work on tags showing up in a nice organizable fashion.

Once I get that done, I’ll probably look for a few more pictures to add to the random image (near the べつに) and call it good for updates. I’ll then do a more proper update explaining just how my blog will work from now on (if it wasn’t clear already)