I haven’t acknowledged this in a long time, but I am depressed. I have been depressed for about a decade or so now. It’s not the first bout of depression, as I had one that lasted throughout my teenage years, but it’s probably the worst given the period of my life that it’s affecting. That’s not to make light of depression when you’re young, but there’s so much more to do when you’re older (both things you want and things you don’t) that it’s a lot harder to push through. You can’t just shutdown and expect people to take care of you.
The reason I haven’t acknowledged it as of late, weirdly enough, was I forgot. You live with something long enough, it eventually just becomes a part of you, and you stop questioning its existence. It’s just who you are, despite often finding yourself wishing you could be different.
It’s important I acknowledge it though, and if you’re wondering why, it’s because if I don’t I’ll continue to just treat it as a part of me. I’ll continue to acknowledge any bad shit going on in my life as uncontrollable and continue to suffer. I’ll assume there’s nothing I can do rather than try to fight.
It’s important to remember because when I think things like “I wish I was someone else” it reminds me that I am in fact someone else. The large reason I want to be someone else is because I recognize in them things I wish for myself that depression is preventing me from taking back. The stuff that’s always existed but I long for because I miss them, not because I lack them.
It’s on that note that I’ve decided to start making efforts again. Efforts to fight the depression and take back who I am.
One of those starts with this blog. I’m intending on updating it a bit, to suit my tastes a bit more, and to start updating it with posts again.
Stay tuned